Moving abroad

The choice to study abroad has had a similar significance for me than for those who take a gap year: a moment to figure myself out as a person. Yearning for change at the end of high school, I felt the need to start over. I wanted to see myself from a different angle - away from the established codes of my home culture, away from any constraints of who to be or how to act. So I took a naked step into unknown territory.

The summer of 2023 had only just enabled me to catch my breath from the marathon of a year we call “Terminale” in France, before running into my new life. I had not taken the time to picture myself in university, nor set any expectations for what The Hague would bring me. When I set foot in the Netherlands and heard Dutch for the first time, I realized how crazy I was to leave everything I knew behind. The book of my high school years in the realm of French culture led way to a blank page, on which I could rewrite who I was and who I wanted to be.

This home away from home was full of surprises.

Firstly, the people. I felt as though my own story, growing up in New York and moving to France at the age of 14, was insignificant in comparison to others who had changed countries every three years, taken time off to travel or worked for months already. Amidst this array of profiles, I was confronted to question after question. Who am I and what culture fits me best, if I am neither American, nor considered fully French? I progressively made friendships that went beyond nationality; some of the people I have met here understand me in a deeper way than anyone at home ever had. Through my interactions with others, I learned more about the world than I had in years of school.

The few hours of class we had per day was also a shock in comparison to the French system which I was used to. I felt guilty, questioning how I would use this free time. After attempting to fill my days with readings, I understood that this freedom was space for me to grow personally. From then on, I let go of my French academic driven mindset, forgot about my sleep schedule and lived the “student experience” fully. Though my social battery was drained, I took any opportunity to explore new horizons, such as committing to Leiden MUN.

Last but not least, the independence of living abroad gave me the chance to break free of taboos and open a side of me that I had always blocked before. I set out to listen to my heart, a hurting but healing process. I got (too) attached to people, questioned myself, made mistakes. In short, I lost myself, only to find myself again. As we say in French, “il faut se perdre pour se retrouver” - losing yourself is necessary to discover who you really are.

Reflecting on this first year, I would say it was a mess, but necessary. The beginning of second year has started to bring this path of discovery to full circle. Summer gave me time away from all of these new faces, time to reconnect with my family and friends who have known me for much longer. I prioritized being true to myself, coming back to The Hague more confident and ready to make my own choices rather than doing things because of “FOMO” (fear of missing out). This has helped me reduce my scope of friendships to the closest ones whose energy corresponds to my personality. I’ve reestablished my goals and found meaning in my studies - which I had lost last year. In general, I feel more energized to commit to things that mean to me.

Moving away and taking on the challenge of living independently means coming back to your family as a new version of yourself. The speed at which my life has changed here is not comparable to my family’s, whose routine has stayed pretty much the same. I sometimes feel like they could not understand the extent to which I have evolved in this past year and I am not fully comfortable with telling them things they would not have expected of me. I have also realized that I can turn this around. Moving away from my family is actually an opportunity to get closer to them. While my mind used to be elsewhere when I spent time with them in high school, missing them makes me cherish the moments I have back at home. I have come to understand that I do not have to limit myself when I am with them, that I can show them the sides of me that are new. After all, they will always be the ones who know me best, through any of my choices.

Overall, one small step into a new city has been a giant leap into personal growth, a step that will remain enshrined in me, no matter on which path life may take me next.

Lucie Pavageau